Just venting

I've had on and off depression for a couple years now along with anxiety. This past year has been very stressful for me financially.

I've begin having these episodes where I start to feel alone and feel vulnerable. I can feel it coming, too. I'll usually leave the room and be by myself while this happens. All my thoughts become rapid and I feel scared. My mind becomes irrational.

It's so hard to explain in writing.

I hate when this happens. I hate feeling this way. I feel like there's no way out while I'm going through an "episode". I'm usually crying and by myself as well, so it takes me a while to put myself back together again. I can't even begin to explain the kind of thoughts that go through my mind. Self harm is a big one.

My mind is so cruel to me.. the only few times I think of self harming is when I'm in this vulnerable state. I've never harmed myself before, so the thought of actually giving in and doing it makes me feel even more scared and makes my episode even worse. Most of the time I'll stare at something for minutes - I feel frozen and empty and just hoping to be put out of my misery.

The thought of just pulling my hair out or banging my head against a wall just sounds so satisfying while I'm in that state. Thinking of doing those things when I feel "normal" makes me feel so ashamed and sad.

I know I need to seek professional help, I just don't have the funds to. I just want to feel better and not have anymore of those episodes. I want to feel normal and be able to enjoy doing the things I once loved doing .

I just wanted to get this off my chest.