Dear M. Clare R.

For months I’ve been tossing the idea around in my head to reach out, just to ask for your advice on my current situation, to laugh at the silly things I’ve gotten myself into and to listen to your voice and hear your laugh. But I know better this time. I promised you that breaking your heart and our engagement was ultimately for your benefit and even though I didn’t believe it myself at the time, I knew deep in my heart, I meant well.

I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. You were my best friend and the first person to show me unconditional love and loyalty. You are smart, kind, poetic, compassionate, loyal and humble. You are a force to be reckon with when it comes to those you care for. Your heart has always made up for your lack in height ;)

It’s because I love you that I won’t send the letter I want to send, this letter. It’s because I love you that I refuse to reach out. I promised you a clean break, and although I question whether or not you’d truly like to hear from me, to know how happy I am for you and your new wife, I dare not reach out. I am too afraid of what that might do. I’m afraid because I know you’ll hear the terror in my voice and the loneliness in my laugh. You’ll know the difference and I won’t be able to hide it. I don’t want that. I just wish to hear you talk about your life and to let you know I love you, I think of you all the time and I truly miss my best friend.

I thought and worried about you when I heard about the shooting at the club in Orlando.

I thought about you during the hurricanes.

I think about you as a lesbian, multi-racial, tattooed young woman and I hope you are watched over. I hope no one fucks with you. I see so much hatred for minorities and here I thought you were safer here than Israel.

I feel wrong. I feel in some ways it’s just as dangerous. No, you’re not driving down a freeway with your Dad trying to hear where they’re dropping and making sure to dodge them, no. But, your life is at risk, and I still worry.

But I also can see how loved you are now. And my god, she loves you. I’m so thankful for her. For my own selfishness, I want to reach out to you. But because of my promise and last and final gesture to you, I stay silent. Because I can see how much she loves you, and I respect her for it, I stay away. Coming out of no where, even with the best of intentions, would blindside the both of you and no matter how lonely I feel, I won’t reach out.

I’ll come to Reddit instead. I don’t think you know about Reddit, and I don’t think you’re on the sub. So I believe it’s safe to say this here, if no where else.

But I miss you, I miss our friendship and I’m sorry I could not love you the way you loved me. But I want you to know, I’m so happy you’re happy. I feel like I did the right thing, even if it doesn’t work out for me.

You’re free.

Forever and a day,

S.M.